Ribbons

primarilly for Lex
14th June 1963: Saigon, I just got in two hours ago, it already feels like I've been here to long. My room on the second floor is oppressive, small in the most insulting way; Saigon is just like everything you didn't read in the tourist manual, the place is every others cities worst back street set across a whole metropolis, everyone here looks at you like the end of the world; and you believe that they’re right. Got my marching papers in the Jeep on the way over, same old same old, local VC Colonel gets out of line and they can't justify another humanitarian outcry in the aftermath of a napalm storm, resultantly the cheaper form of direct death comes into play; me. all these letters are starting to lose meaning; NAVSPEC, CENTCOM, JSOC etc etc, everything but KIA seems to sweep by unnoticed these day, and even those are quickly forgotten. Colonel Pak Zang, he ran a group of VC tunnellers outside of La Trang just before the Air Cav got there, no one knew the terrain quite like him, and he was using it to the best of his ability, raids were getting frequent. Typically the Marines were too busy sharing a smoked out hut with their hallucinations to get the job done, frankly if they'd tried they'd have stamped down the whole East side of the jungle and still missed the guy, no, this one needed subtlety, it needed quiet, it needed someone not only deniable, but expendable, guess who's name came outta the hat, top Navy brass were starting to call me white rabbit. One thing's for sure, I'm late for a very important date.

15th June 1963: La Trang. Zoned out Marines shuffle around the place like zombies, there's nothing in their eyes, they call it 'the stare', say a Marine gets it after combat; I say he gets it after LSD. I've killed more men in this war than they've had K-rations, my eyes stay exactly the same and none of my off's have been benefit of the doubt, M79 grenade launcher in the dark affairs either. Last guy I nailed forced me to improvise after I was told to make it quiet, luckily he was a music enthusiast and after a quick snip he suffered a lack of air on a G-string. This base is hostile to everything that's still awake. No one tells me anything, its like existing on another plain of reality, Marine brass hates my guts cos the teams are fighting their war and winning it. I hear they deal with it more and more by the day; Rangers, Green Berets as well as SEAL's stopping in, eating their chow, taking their ammo, then disappearing into the jungle to make mischief, without so much as a tip of the cap in their direction, but that’s the nature of it, they'd be the same. The jungles like an ex-girlfriend, the kind that went sour right at the end, there's all the emotional push and pull of a tempestuous lover with one too many 'problems'. I need it to survive, but it knows a little bit too much about me, and offers shelter to things that are intent on doing me harm. The world out here has turned like last months milk; dissentry, cholera, plague, the air's a cocktail of all kinds of foul shit designed by mother nature when she was on, and now we have to deal with it for our crimes. I'm moving out in two days, its not gonna come fast enough

16th June 1963: I got in a fight with a Marine today, I was on my way to killing him with my bear hands before I realised what I was doing. He'd taken a picture of my wife from my hand while we were eating chow in the Mess hall, he made some crude remarks and I took to dismantling him. There's something askew with logic in country, I've gone out into the jungle alone with the express intent of killing a man I've never met, I've done this five times, their crimes are ambiguous, but I go and I kill them, because a letter from a man I've never met tells me to do so, attrition by bureaucracy. Yet when I'm sat in a mess hall with a square jawed, drug induced nightmare phonetically molesting my wife and I make a move to kill him for his crimes, I stop myself because it doesn't seem right. They built my mind up and threw it in the fucking meat grinder; I'll never leave this place. That picture of my wife is all I have, all I deserve now. I hope one day she can forgive me for what I thought I had to do.

Her
I'd smash the world for her, I'd watch it all burn, except her
I'd crush people between my fingers waste everyone and everything if it was her wish
I'd cut myself to thin ribbons for her, throw myself of the rocks and split my bones
In equal measure;
I'd lace the sky with stars for her
I'd spend my every waking hour as the watchman of her comfort
I'd carry the weak and heal the wounded, if it pleased her

her name is Miss Direction

all of the above has nothing to do with her

six, I am the six, tempting, with a fix (of questions)
Right, I actually like the idea of a never ending chain of questions and answers on LJ and since Lex obviously missed his last time I posted them, duly because of his high friend level on LJ creating a big turn out of readable material, I shall post his questions again

Lex:-
1. if there was one thing wrong with human beings it would be their predisposition toward self pity. Discuss
2. is there anything more fluffy than a cloud?
3. blonde, brunette, redhead? Why? Does it even matter?
4. we're stronger alone. True or False?
5. suX-Box 360 or PS3, who will win?
6. how many kids do you aspire to having, if any?

Linzo:-
1. you are a season, which one and why?
2. should "I never killed no one" be admissable as an admition of guilt purely on the grounds of bad grammer, regardless of the speakers intention?
3. Sinclair or Barton, who do you reckon would better survive the eventual Lindz vetting ?
4. what would you say your individual Ninja power is?
5. as a psycho' who do you reckon was the most fudged up mutha fudger in the history of the fudge industry?
6. one day, we'll all be free; true, false, or already the case?

enjoy, 6 back would be greatly appreciated

Current Mood: "that time"
Current Music: Alice in Chains - I can't remember

On Lindsey's Post
(not posting as a comment in order to increase the ammount it gets read)

Dude ! Hats off man, you totally kicked it in the teeth there "skull fucked" it to use a recently taught term !

Loving the honesty, you know I think its the most important thing in the world, here's to being a bastard and proud! Truly those who are virtuous are those who live in truth. I recently had an epiphany on the subject of forgiveness vs retribution. I realised that I cannot forgive if the person never confesses, how can I? If the person doesn't even trust me enough to tell me, to let me in, then there can be no forgiveness. The funny thing is, I already know what they've all done, I maintain this from the get go of any friendship, that one way or another I find out what people are up to, someone always talks, and it ALWAYS gets back to me, but fuck it, I guess it's arrogance, that or fear, that makes everyone think or hope that they're the exception to the rule, but anyone who actually knows me, should no I'm a reasonable guy, so I'd like to declare here, since the current fasion is clearly to do things online, my confession box is open, I WILL forgive you, but you need to let me in, you need to tell me, it's not long till I'm gone for good, then the deadline is up, and I'll be pissed off, and I won't forget, I never do, my Spanish blood makes me cling to vendetta culture like a limpit, and I will get revenge, in my eyes its only right I do, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night for thinking about it, if I didn't. This is my conclusion on forgiveness and retribution, summed up in this statement:

Those who do not confess to their miss-deeds in the the face of open-armed forgiveness, deserve retribution for their actions

In closing, I do not assume I am some all powerful entity that can mete out soul cleansing or damnation, I'm just a bloke, with a lot of friends, who has been repeatedly lied to and deceived by people he thought were friends, and who naturally doesn't like it, but who is still willing and happy to forgive, who always was, but who will definately be pissed off in a way not seen for a long time if certain parties will allow me to leave Swansea with out respecting me enough to tell me the truth when I already know it.

I'm not hard to find, its up to you

Cars
HOOYAH !!!! Right I do intend to do one of my characteristic over warmed but half baked theory spots here, but before I lunge forth, I have to give credit to two things very quickly. This morning March 1st (get in, March, month of my birth, you know that makes it good) it has snowed, and really done well, proper coverage, my walk onto campus this morning was ace, though a little tentative, for fear of slippage. took some photos, so folks back home, who are at this moment wondering why 'coverage' should be used when talking about cocaine, can see what natural snow is all about; pure, uncut.

anyway, that aside, to biznazz:-

Cars are great, now I'm using cars as a metaphore here, but don't worry about it, its wholly transparent. I've been thinging on car's recently, see every man likes a different kind of car, some are all about the stat's, other's are into things like twin airbags, or bodywork, whereas others still prefer to gauge the character of a car before they decide it's the one for them. Personally, there's a whole list of things a car has to have to be right for me, some call that high standards, I simply consider it a measure against wasted time. You certainly won't find me using a car just because it was "OK" and I figured I could use it til something better came along, hell no, that's not for me anymore. Still, it's strange, say your friend has a really nice car, and he lets you sit in it, now, you know that you'd never want this car for yourself, however, as an admirer of cars, you can still see how this car is a great car and would suit someone else down to the ground, you sit in this car, you don't have to start the engine, press any of the buttons, frankly, you don't want to, you're just content to sit in it. This does not make you want this car, however, one thing it sure as billy-o does do, is remind you how much you like cars, it rekindles your passion for something you've pushed to the back of your mind and reminds you how much you want to find a car of your own, to enjoy fully with intensity.

Dude, where's my car?

another thing I wanted to do in this post was offer six questions for Lindz to answer, without any further speil, here they are:-

1: if you could test drive any car, which car would that be?
2: if it were a matter of having one car for the rest of his life, the answer is obvious, however, if DP could test drive any car for JUST ONE NIGHT, which car would that be?
3: a cut above the rest, can we achieve this exact status without violence?
4: revenge is a dish best served cold, with lots of poison, agree/disagree?
5: how come almost everyone claims, with some pride, that they'd "kill anyone who messed with their family" but almost no one would ever admit to the possibility of killing someone purely for the cathartic "wargasm" ?
6: fear has a taste, what is it?

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Beethoven's 5th piano concerto

ooooooo
They're Golden Grahams

oh They're Golden Grahams

golden, honey Graham cereal brand new breakfast treat

not too long till the end of term now, we see's me happy and slightly scared at the same time, the end is nigh, and soon I'll have to bear the horrid results of four years wasted, still, ain't all bad, way I see it, that will be the last time I'll have to deal with results AND I can finally get myself into the real damn world, where a SEAL like myself belongs, no more safe little micro-cosm of feigned intellectualism, that ultimately shatters in the real world when faced with the key issue of needing stuff to eat and shelter, now thats more my style, I'm actually looking forward to doing a mundane day job, punching in and out and shit like that, its gonna be fun, add to that the fact that I'll be back home with my elite crew of bad-boys that never fail me, as well as my family; and it's a win win situation, all in all, for better or worse, roll on 'Le Fin' I'm ready you saucy bitch

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Mr T - The Toughest Man in the World

ponderings on reflection
right then, after a couple of rants about this, I think its time the issue made it into the endless archieve of confused and backward shite that is my Livejournal.

Reflection folks

That's what I'm concerned with, and as per usual, I shall start with a visual representation of what I'm going on about, best example I can think of, one I've used already, is a Tree by a river bank, this tree, though by itself is never alone, there on the surface of the water is a duplicate of itself, holding every detail, just slightly altered on the water's inconstant surface, itself, but not itself, its reflection. Right now, a tree in a Forest isn't alone either, but there's a difference, every other tree in that Forest is different, reflection is different, its you altered. Take a mirror image, a mirror image is never perfectly accurate, for one it''ll always be flipped horizontally, also there's any number of imperfections on the mirrors surface that slightly alter the true image, its you, but its not, if you get me. That, my people, is perfection, as far as I'm concerned, if you're looking for someone to fill in your blanks, you need reflection.
Now, I'm not exactly sure how it works with people, but I think, it go's a little something, like this. With two people who reflect (and there will only be two, sort of a soul mate deal) there's always an original and a reflection but it's no exact science and there's no real way to tell which one is which and really its irrelevant anyway. Taking myself as an example, I was born and I was set on a path, a path that's led me down the path to the person that is me now (not saying who I am now was entirely fate but you know, gene's and all that have a lot to answer for) after I was created and started to take shape, lets say, three years later, another person was born with the express intention of filling in the blanks of what I lack, this doesn't result in the perfectly balanced individual though, reflection works both ways, if you want the balanced entity, you need the original and the reflection together. Take me, the core individual; idealistic, naive, and the main aspects of my personality that need balancing; extroversion, aggression and explosiveness (for example) the reflection would be someone with the same core, but with a personality that was mainly introverted, calm and meek. Point being, we're the same, but different, a concept I like to call syncronised difference, the act of being different, but with the same core motivation, essentially, original and reflection are two halves of one object, intended, designed.
It's like that feeling you get when someone makes a descision in your absence and it turns out to be just what you'd do (very rare but it sometimes happens) anyway, your reflection would just have that ability, they know you, they fucking ARE you, just polarised, it's not that they empathise, that implies entering a state of altered thought pattern to understand, they wouldn't have to do that, they think like you already, but they'd do it in a way that compliments your own set up perfectly. I can't really articulate this too well, but you know those necklaces that come in two parts and say things like "friends forever"? Personally I think they're pretty tacky, but they make my point pretty well, in that both fragments can make sense by themselves, but they'll never make they're intended statement till they're together. Shit, I hate trying to explain things in a non-verbal media, fuck it, I give up

Current Mood: overwhelmed
Current Music: Dream Lover - Bobby Darin

word for the week - BLATANT
hey hey hey

I want to do something that Lex did a little while ago, and that is set up a wee list of questions for some people to answer, I'm gonna set the level at 6 questions, I'd like it if you ask me 6 questions back too, but thats up to you. Anyway, getting down to it, refer underneath here and see your name and your personalised questions (by the way, if you have a burning desire to answer someone else's question thats cool), answer in comment form please so it can all be easily accessed in one place, cheers you beauties, lets get it on !

Lex:-
1. if there was one thing wrong with human beings it would be their predisposition toward self pity. Discuss
2. is there anything more fluffy than a cloud?
3. blonde, brunette, redhead? Why? Does it even matter?
4. we're stronger alone. True or False?
5. suX-Box 360 or PS3, who will win?
6. how many kids do you aspire to having, if any?

Bain:-
1. pain is weakness leaving the body. True or False?
2. the FrEaK is only our enemy in perception, if we could overcome this; co-existence could be obtained. True or False?
3. are all questions merely fragmentations of one question, the answer to which we will never know?
4. Never leave a man behind. I believe it, I know you do, but why?
5. can forgiveness ever be totally altruistic?
6. DP is full of shit. Discuss

Anonymous:-
1. coincidence or providence, which are you more likely to see?
2. what's your favourite film(s)/play(s), why?
3. the sky's blue, the grass is green, what colour(s) are you?
4. you took an interest in my journal because?
5. the aim of your life is?
6. you have to leave to find out what you value. true or false?

thanks in advance people

"stay frosty and alert"

Current Mood: pleased
Current Music: Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam

Bullets get me off
I spent quite a lot of yesterday playing Battlefield 2 on my new tiny PS2 that looks like the Kate Moss version of the old one, but without the patches of white power, I'm gonna apologise for that instantly, its not even topical anymore, though saying that I don't condone drug use and I certainly don't condone Pete Doherty, well done Kate for getting rid of him, even if it was for a string of guys that haven't left high school yet, still, I guess if you've become accustomed to that level of maturity you shouldn't break from it clean so quickly, you should gently wean, so, you go girl, all power to you baby.
All in all though, if anyone cares about the model front, I reckon some girls who are underrated for what they do are; Heather Marks, Jessica Stam and of course Alice Sinclair. The female model community is a bit overshadowed at the moment by the hardy (headline grabbing in some cases) perenials and the girls that are being groomed for the same role e.g. Gemma Ward. I don't protest to this entirely, Gemma's great I think she is another talented girl who takes what she does seriously and with an air of cinematography which I love, one thing I sorta regret about her is that Vogue seemed to be angling a pairing between her and Lily Cole thats since fallen by the wayside, I loved it, they've both got the china doll baby face, but Lily's lines are softer where Gemma is a little edgier, it worked, kinda reminded me of the time Gisele was paired with Carmen Kass for a few shoots, that worked too, they looked great together, and it was good for upping Carmens game I think. Still getting to the crux, I think that just because Gemma is good at what she does doesn't mean she should hold down every major campaign, from Prada bags, to CK Obsession, I think houses should cater for what each model brings to the table, for example, Gemma would be ideal for Chanel, and the more she worked angles like that the more she'd perpetuate her look, that's my two cents, and I'm not saying girls like Jessica Stam aren't well known, in fact her and Heather hold their fair share of covers and campaigns (Jessica's work for D&G is an example of tapered model casting I like) but I reckon if the kudos was split equally they'd have more buzz, buzz that I reckon they deserve.
Alice is a whole matter in herself, she's totally fresh and can do any look, evidence shows this, she CAN do it, she makes classical look ethereal and mystical, and makes edgy look sharp and dangerous so this begs the question to me, why have we not seen more of her? Fred Perry and such are good campaigns, but I don't remember seeing her face anywhere in the major sheets fronting this campaign, which sux, Alice should be the pushing angle, the flagship of anything she promotes, purely because she can, she has the ability. Her Vogue spread was cool, and she sold it perfectly, so why no cover? There's no good reason. I guess I could be asking too much, but if I was representing her, I'd be kicking asses, then again, if I was representing her, I wouldn't have signed another THREE girls from the same competition she was in, when I had previously maintained there was only one contract. I think this goes to prove more than anything that the competition had very little bearing on the careers of those invloved, if they've got it, they've got it, the difference is, getting the prey to come to your trap or going out hunting, how much are you willing to do? Still I think that those involved with that show sorta set Alice up for a fall, in that they were encouraging her to have a winning attitude but still had their clear favourites namely Kate and Abigail, who since got contracts with Select anyway, along with Sam, but I'll totally allow that cos she's quality.
All in all Alice won, nuff said, and that was no accident, she had the confidence, she rocked it and walked away on top, she could have turned to Rachel Hunter after that, kissed her on the lips and said "I know it was you, you broke my heart" still, there's alot of that going around, all you can measure a person by in such a situation is their ability to survive it, conduct themselves with dignity, adapt and overcome, the only thing better for you than revenge in that situation is forgiveness, we'll see who does what.

Current Mood: predatory
Current Music: Don't Worry Baby - The Beach Boys

My last entry was no.69, make of that what you will
Sauve Moi
Acheve Moi

I close my eyes and see you before me
Think I would die if you were to ignore me
If you could see just how much I adore you
I get down on my knee's I'd do anything for you

I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I have a petite heart attack

ouch, weird isn't it? That feeling when your heart stops a little bit, kind of a mixture of shock, fear and happiness felt in a split second that makes your ticker feel like a water balloon getting smacked by a baseball bat. Right, as you can tell, this isn't going to be a heavy entry at all, which I think will make a nice change, in the interest of this, I'd like to introduce y'all to a word:-

Bonkonkonkonk; (noun, colloquialism:) sexual intercourse (verb:) to have sexual intercourse

OK, so its just an extension of bonk, but try it, say it, it rolls off the tongue with a nice little bounce, if you say it once, my bet is; you'll say it again.

Next is a note for Bain: dude, how's things? Hoping all is well with you, and I'm sure it is, I wanted to let you know that as of now I'm gonna start working on writing some badass songs for Switchblade Bunnies, I've got plenty of idea's and they're all a little nutZ, make sure the other's don't lose motivation, particularly G-Ace, he has no excuse, what with his massive fortune and all. On another issue, what's the good word on your Swansea visit, is it looking like its gonna happen? Let a badboy SEAL know as and when brother

right, I'd also like to show you my current levels of concentration when it comes to Uni work, me and Lindz were recently labouring away over an entire night, Lindz, as per usual, was a ball of focussed energy, directed singularly to her task, during which she was able to come up with some truly awesome Paint doodles, of things like penises and panda's, all in all, awesome work, which if you wanna see, you'll have to ask her, but I myself, inspired by Lindsey's work, decided to throw my essay work aside and knock out a bit of artistry, and the end result was a piece I like to call "Should be doing Essay"

check it out:-
http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a305/lasceraterus/sbde.png

hope you enjoy, opinions / queries welcomed

now remember folks, use your illusion, increase your delusion
I don't make the rules, I rarely follow them, but I make it my business to know them

Rise Above
In the natural kingdom there's a balance to all things, this is created by honesty, animals kill to feed, they hunt and kill without malice or guilt, they do it because they need to survive, but they do not conceal it from anyone. Neither do they hold any affectations or pretentions about their actions, they simply exist. This is why I love animals, for example, a pig wouldn't roll around in filth and dirt for hours on end, and then the moment it was approached, clean itself up to a mirror sheen and parade around with its nose to the air. If the pig wants to roll in filth, it will do so, whether someone watches or not, and as such, we allow him to do so, because he has no shame in presenting himself an individual who enjoys the activity. Likewise, we've grown to admire creatures like Great White Sharks and Tigers for they're mastery in the field of killing, we have a sense of awe when we look at them, the raw power they possess, and the fact that they would never be dishonest about it, nor boastful, they simply do as they do, and would do so whether you watched them or not. Essentially, they exist free of a fear of judgement.
I don't know why this is, its possibly because they lack the understanding of the concept of judgement, all I know is, I respect animals indefinately for their ability to act without deception. If a Tiger killed me, I'd bear no hatred towards it at all, because within myself I'd know deep down it was something it was likely to do, likewise I'd know that the Tiger would never lull me into thinking it was something he wouldn't do. What gets to me is that human beings don't understand that through many, many encounters with people, I've also learned to read human behaviour pretty well, as such I tend to understand what people are likely to do or have done, not only through understanding, but through the trust others have in me, making me privy to a large network of sources. Resultantly it's safe to say I know what's going on with people, much like I know what's going on with animals. The difference, the difference I'm growing to resent, is that people have the deceptive nature, not only to assume I don't know what they're like, but also to cover up their actions like they never happened, all those who know me, know I don't like this, but yet some still deceive, I guess that's human nature, where the pig is honest, people roll in filth and have the capacity to swan around like they're immaculate.
Despite this, there are those who are honest, those who respect each other, and themselves, enough to present an honest self. My resolution for this year, is to spend time with these people, and only these people if at all possible, my resolution, however arrogant, is to rise above.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Faith No More - A Small Victory

Thoughts necked into a 5.56'er
"I want combat sir !"
"The only way you're gonna see combat is if you bust yourslef down to Private!"

The constant dilema, though in my personal case, its a little different, if I want combat I first need money, then I need to figuratively "bust myself down to Private" by casting aside all current commitments I hold, but it's something I'm lusting after right now. It all started when the Iraqi insurgent group "Swords of Righteousness" kidnapped a Christian aid worker (a Christian doing aid work, as oposed to the organisation) called Norman Kember, a Pinner man; nuff said. When I heard this I started to ponder the possibility/plausibility of someone like me, heading over to Iraq with the explicit desire of getting him home, by any means necessary.
Flights are difficult but not impossible to find, weapons shouldn't be too much of a problem once there, provided there was a disposable cash fund, volunteers, I already have, the way I see it, the only real problem is the language barrier, which would make it impossible to gather intelligence, everything else could be overcome, I can't guarantee success in any field, but it could at least be attempted, but the language barrier just can't be conquered.
I'd just love to do it, to try it, to be that nervous ball of focussed adrenaline energy all twitchy and alert again, even if i died, frankly I don't care, it'd be a great way of checking out, and I reckon I've had a good innings. Perhaps my desire to do this is hinting more strongly at a desire to impress upon the world my stamp, and feel like, to a certain extend, the world listens when I shout, all in all, a naive, childish desire for a little attention, wish fulfillment or simply to seek a rush. Regardless, it plays on my mind at the moment and there's little I can do to stop that.
One thing that does sort of worry me about this, is that it seems to hint at me seeking conflict, and thats not so good, that, in fact, is more childish than anything else, and I need to get over it ASAP. With any joy, going back to Uni will do it's usual job of dulling me down, as much as I don't like this process, I think maybe it could be good for me at this particular time, I need to chill out, stop myself from doing something stupid, here's hoping !

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Last Cup of Sorrow - Faith No More

Suxpeare
**Enter Bainvolio and Perezello, two gentlemen of fair Hillingdon and Harrow respectively**

Bainvolio: what say'st thou cousin, your absence warrants much countenance within, seeking marks for footprints

Perezello: ay, footprints that lead to sweeter countenance there

Bainvolio: prithee what expedition finds thee such?

Perezello: tis not but the mark itself, but if the mark found doth so readily hold true

Bainvolio: such mark as to leave a scratch?

Perezello: one and the same, but such mark as to leave a mark; upon the count of which doth find the scratch, for my minds misty countenance doth grant such gentle madness upon its leading, so entwined it is in this tale, that it beats with the very convulsion of my heart, and with equal strength, repeats on the very same, and this it shall do always till the marks are found; the marks left by names, the accountancy thus that leads to revelation, sweetest revelation that is welcome as rain to barren land, and other moistures to kindred droughts

Bainvolio: Marry, ho, what significance finds thee?

Perezello: that she is the medicine where I am the ailment, she the sweet butterfly and I the very razors edge and cut shall I, as razors do, to the sharpest point, that thou shall be enlightened; for all things pale into this, that she be the heart whereby I am the spade

Bainvolio: thou dost sing with riddles, a pleasant breeze marry, but one that is a quickly forgotten

Perezello: riddles ay, forgotten never, to speak in truths one must source one's riddles solutions, where upon my riddles find truth, so will my tongue follow suit

Bainvolio: this suit? Where thou art the spade to fair maidens heart?

Perezello: dear sir you follow to the very measure, for my suit linked to her's is the same, save pigment and reflection, and such is what so capriciously I am not afforded, cruel fortune doth twist mine image to my own for I wander alone, followed always by a dark pretender that is no more reflection than an apparition of mine own lost path, for it cannot consult upon itself to offer assistance to any, in the stead of solution it be shackled to mine own riddle, in seeking a reflection that is not present to me

Bainvolio: thou seek'st the sun in the day cousin or its sister moon at night, for many fools do consult thus with their reflection 'pon the toilette's and glassy waters

Perezello: that fools do, but find little comfort there within, what embrace offers the waters but a sleep, cold and eternal, likewise the toilette, though fragrant in equal measure is hard and liable to break to a cutting shard in embrace. My reflection walks, though fair, tis as fragile as any, yet in equal measure strong like the sheets of paper that may tear, but not be pulled, it carries music and fragrance to foul airs, so foreign and unusual a bloom that grows by my own measure but in short, and is found in close company of such dire stations, holding distance close enough to carry mystique but no further more than a feathers fall

Bainvolio: thou art hexed, with a lunacy your own and alibi external, whould'st thou consider such a reflection to be your own?

Perezello: in its inaccurate accuracy I would, for my reflection carries all that I am void of, by simple design that in reflection the soul is completed, thus, my carried spleen doth act as a desired component to join to her gentility, though in finding her gentility, so sooths my own passions, to convert their leanings from death to new life, therein I would seek only seconds deaths in her divinity to flush her cheeks and lay her down into comfort

Bainvolio: zounds, I shall warrant this no further, for thine is romanticism unjust and unfounded, thine truth shall be found in truest reflection to your minds, where upon finding it I shall consort with thou to hear your latest hearts leaning in times where this has travelled over many horizons and long from sight

Perezello: watch thee truly and look upon my pains, for I carry little time, and if thine words be true, thou shall see other spectacles of passion, where love falls by the wayside, kicked and fallen, and purest, tempestuous rage swells to fill its loss

Bainvolio: let what little time we both carry mark us out

Current Mood: ill (in the good way)
Current Music: Blondie - Rapture

and so begins the year of the DP
This is it folks, if there ever was or ever will be a year that was destined by sheer number to be significant for me, we've just entered it, 2006 (aka the year of the DP) is now fresh and newborn. I live in hope that I will be proved right with my crazy almost unfounded theory and that this year will be the year that things turn around from their recent stretch of unfortunate events and I start riding a wave a good fortune. I wish the same to you.
I must say its begun with more of a fizz than a bang; a small, intimate gathering, a day of sleep and then a day of petty family squabbles (all of which involving my Mum and Sister) seems to me that there is no such thing as peaceful family time together anymore, my Sister is totally unable to hold her tongue and let things slide, resulting in hurt feelings and sharp words, oh well, whatever makes her feel better about herself, shes a total diva, but I wouldn't change her (the bitch!).
The holidays been a blur so far, its been a hectic marathon of keeping up appearances, with trips back and forth between my Mum and my Dad's respective joints, so far I haven't really had much disposable time on my hands, but hopefully that should all straighten out in the next few days. I reckon I'm gonna do my essays over Wednesday-Thursday (Friday if necessary), which will leave a whole week with which to do whatever I please, this means all those little things I intend to do everytime I'm home but never actually accomplish, everyone reading as my witness on this one; THEY SHALL BE DONE !
I've got to say, after spending the last 73 hours awake all night and asleep all day, that being awake during the day is much better, even if purely for TV reasons. Also, birdsong; you don't miss it till its gone, I'm correcting my sleep pattern right now, so I'm kinda dozey, in fact, believe it or not, there was just a ten minute lapse between '-miss it till its gone,' and 'I'm correcting-' where I zoned out starring at my picture of Alice, maybe I should change my user picture to something less hypnotically gorgeous, that said, though I can thing of more productive ways to spend time than under Alice's spell, I can't think of many ways more pleasant (drinking Cranberry juice and chillin with B-dub get fairly close, but its still a substantial difference).
I'm starting to lose it now, I'm flaking a little bit, Alice isn't helping either, with her big blues and lips and everything, I mean, who am I to resist? Nobody, thats who, so to anyone reading this, hope you're well, happy, and warm, I'll close with a quote:

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor, that's my dream, that's my nightmare"

Ring that La-Bell
Right, I'm gonna dive straight in here, bear with me, this one may well be a little disjointed. The thing is I was thinking recently (try new things, I'm always told) about the various roles of labels. This started out, strangely enough, with thinking about "Snow White", the character as opposed to any particular movie, it just seemed to me that 'snow white' was quite a sexually charged nick-name for a person. There's something heavy handed about the double positive of purity/virtue imagery that lends itself instantly to to chastity or desire to conquest. I mean the Queens whole beef with Snow White is that she is the only one "fairer" than her in the land, and by course of crude dissection, surely "Fair" could be reduced to "attractive" and if we accept that we all slaves to our urges, attractive would ultimately mean, if I can be so bold as to suck all the romance out of it, possessing qualities making her favorable for reproduction.
Its something I only saw with Snow White, take for example (using the Disney theme) Sleeping Beauty, the name Sleeping Beauty is entirely descriptive and objective, something can be beautiful without ever having an element of romantic attraction, a rose for example or the stars at night. In another example there's Alice in Wonderland, she's just Alice, I guess since she is younger it'd be a little unseemly to hint at anything sexual, but the point remains, "Snow White" as a label seems to exist as a character exclusive to who "Snow White" as a person actually is, in other words, "Snow White" is her appearance to others rather than her own view of herself (unless she gave herself that name, who knows).
This is turn got me thinking about the way we name things, take in the military, things like AH-1 Cobra helicopters, or F-14 tomcats, so many animal names in the world of the military, could this be an attempt to distance ourselves from the act of killing. As such killing in the animal kingdom is accepted, there is no sin attached, its a matter of survival, and as a result, we wouldn't attach a stigma to an animal for killing e.g. Cats are cute as a button, but they are consummate killers. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but there is a chance that labelling these war machines with animal names is a way of making them become an entity in themselves, the pilot/driver/user resultantly gets a diminished sense of responsibility.
One thing I know for sure is that this happens in society all the damn time, take for example, people blaming all societies ill's on capitolism, I think the concept of capitolism has become one of these instruments of diminished responsibility, a little excuse for our own personal world gone wrong. "I'm just one man, I'd like to make a difference buts there's no way I can in this system" after all isn't capitolism just a word, would it still be the same if no one had taken the time to name it, would it still exist as a sort of independant sociological entity? If not, would people still continue to use it as an excuse for their own failures?
The way I see it, capitolism IS just a word, anyone of us can live the way we want, if we show the proper motivation to make it happen, (take for example 'New Age Travelers') the fact is, we like capitolism, it works, and we accept and endorse it a thousand times a day with little seemingly insignificant actions, lets face it, buying your carrots IS easier than growing them. There's no problem with that at all I just think its a little fucked up that people then go on to blame capitolism for some of the worlds ill's. If you don't like it, change it, at the moment its all too comfortable for people to 'have their cake and eat it' if you will, live in a successful society and reap all the benefits of it, but then flog it like a mule whenever something goes wrong, claiming its nothing to do with them and that they're on the side of right.

phew, I'm tired, there's lots more that could be said, but whether anyone would stick around and read it is the issue here

P.S. I don't personally think that capitolism is the best thing in the world, nor do I think that EVERYONE acts as I've just described, so please, if you're tempted to get on my back about this one, be objective. This, like many other posts, is just me exploring an issue and observing trends that I personally think are at play, if you disagree (and you probably should) I TOTALLY respect that and you. All I appeal for you to see that this is just my mind spilling, anything here is subject to change and by no means a cornerstone of my principles.

Thanks you beauties !

Current Mood: protective
Current Music: Alice in Chains - Dirt

"Friends come and go but Wankers always stick around"
The wisdom of the ages is in that quote, we have but to decode it. Its about the best of things and the worst of things, and I think that's what in all of us. Problem being; most people appear to be satisfied if not happy with the mediocre levels of themselves, the inconspicuous, safe ranges of their character. They've been pulled back and restrained so many times that they're now comfortable with being muted and greyed out. It makes those who are black and white all the easier to spot, all the easier to revere. I think its bloody attractive, black or white, I don't care, I think anything that shows you're committed to an undiluted self while maintaining a good conscience makes you beautiful, pretty damn brave too. People like that don't surface too often, and needless to say, that they're the one's that capture my attention when they do. I think its a shame that people live in regret of things that mark them out, to be labelled unusual is pretty weird to me, what's stranger is the fact that 'unusual' seems to have picked up a negative connotation, especially among a species that seems to value and laud individuality, oh well, I guess the more sophisticated and layered something is the easier it becomes to contradict itself.
Sometimes though, I feel this heat, in my head and in my chest, I know with a little help, it could burn so hot it'd quarterize any wound. So why waste it, what reason is there not to use it? Motivation is probably the most crucial element, no one can go forever on pure will alone, not when its undirected. I think life can often be broken down into the process of setting goals and meeting them. You can have hundreds in a single day that are more or less inconsequential, but hold a few that you aim to achieve over your whole life, the tragedy arises when people let these important goals become home-mortgage-job-retirement. I'm not saying these things are trivial aspirations, far from it, I just think they should never, EVER become the most important things in life, so important that you can't see beyond them, because if that's it, in all honesty you may as well just 86 yourself now and save on a lot of money, stress and time, the end result will be the same; you'll have died in relative comfort, having achieved nothing outside the average.
However, it seems that living with all these issues (read. The Human Condition) isn't enough for some people. Life isn't complicated enough, so they do weird things, like fuck over their friends and sell themselves out for cheap little rewards, creating a maelstrom of worries for people who are just trying to get on with things. Funny that it's these people that are also the people who are muted to grey, what does that tell you? That these people have nothing important enough to truly and fully hold their attention and ambition. Resultantly they make entertainment for themselves by inventing obstacles and problems that never had to be, and then wallowing in them and acting like the victim.
Kyle Reese said "The future is not set, there's no fate but what we make for ourselves" not a day goes by recently in which that doesn't seem more true. I think we do make our own tomorrows, if not directly then by reaction and interpretation. Say there's two people, both ask for a swan, and they get a clay swan, both would be satisfied however, if the same two people only received a lump of clay, one of them is apt to make a swan from it, whereas the other will invariably just complain that the lump of clay is ugly i.e. (and less pretentiously I might add) when life throw's you lemons; make lemonade. However this little difference still isn't enough to mark us out, both people in the example still have the capacity to achieve piss all in their lives and still have you believe they're amazing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I've achieved amazing things with my life, I haven't, certainly not yet, but I do plan to, and on top of that, I think its safe to say I haven't fucked anyone else around to the extent that they feel less comfortable with the concept of getting up in the morning. Lindsey once asked me what I had that made me get up in the morning, I said nothing, because I don't have something that in itself makes we want to get up and carpe diem, but I did add, at length, that I get up in the morning in hope of finding that 'something'. At this stage you're probably thinking "what an arrogant bastard, presumptuous too", maybe I am, but that's not actually up to me in this case, so bear this in mind, the only way I can actually be proven right is for you to settle for less, so......

"go ahead, make my day"

Current Music: Faith No More - Midlife Crisis

powder or pulp?
if it hasn't been said to you already; Welcome to Winter

Personally I think its bloody gorgeous, Autumn did pass a little too quickly for me, but thats just the breaks I guess, Winter is here, and I'm loving it. Last night was strange, I was over at Lindsey's place, and some stuff was going down, generally just chatter, it was nice to see Leanne again, unfortunately, towards the end of the evening I started to go a little too deep into things (I was tired, and I'd been sat in what the cool kids call a "hot box" for hours) anyways, getting to the crux, I started to 'wax lyrical' (thanks Lindz) about issues I felt very insightful and inspired, for example, comparing Lindsey's and my positions in life to spots on a Monopoly board, to elaborate, Lindsey, I thought, was on Park Lane, in that she's in a good place and she's almost ready to "Go" and collect hee just rewards for the jump forward. I think I'm located at free parking, I must first collect what is mine, before moving on into the further journey ahead. It made crystal clear sense at the time, and kinda does now, but I still think that maybe I shouldn't have shared it, then again, as I told Lindsey on the night, she's one of the few people I can say things like this to, face to face, without having felt lowered (yes I know I'm now revealing it to the whole internet, but I have excuses, the "hot box" thing? Remember?). I can't remember what else I said, which may very well be a good thing, but I do know it felt good to say it really.
In other news, I can't wait to get back to London for Christmas, I still believe that something significant is gonna happen, and I'm anxious to find out a) whether I'm right about that in the first place and b) what the fudge it is thats gonna happen. I also realise that when I'm home(s) I won't be updating this at all, as strangely, I have a life in London if not here in Swansea (that's my story, I'm sticking to it). On the subject of home, my buddy Bain, is now a member of this site, I look forward to reading his stuff, and the no doubt long strings of debate/discussion we'll be able to have using this medium when we don't have the luxury of being in the same country, let alone the same room.
Also when I'm home I'm finally gonna go to Pinner duck pond, because I've said I'm gonna go there for bloody ages, but everytime I'm home I never get round to it, there are no excuses, I haven't been there since I was like five years old, and I think the older you get the more you need to visit the places you went as a child. Don't be mislead though, I'm not that devoutly into going there to be honest, it was just something I facied doing and never got round to, its a character flaw that that kinda unresolved whimsy gets to me, but it SHALL be sorted.

hope all who read are well,

Perez

p.s. keeping you up to date on the signs situation; this week's sign's are: Water, and the name Sinclair. Water has played a major part in EVERY one of my dreams this week, and the name Sinclair is almost everywhere I look (no fooling, I've seen it on the backs of cars and Tobacco packets for fucks sake, whoops I swore, oh sod it, I'll leave the fucker in)

Current Mood: vampiric
Current Music: comfortably numb - pink floyd

mind cocktail
Right then, lets get down to biznazz, its time for another relatively heavy one, the subject this time is Infatuation. Infatuation is what the French call 'Le Mutha Fucker' its a royal pain in the ass when viewed from a scorned perspective. However I would also argue the case FOR infatuation in that it allows for a lot of creative thought and inspiration as nothing else cultivates frustration and affection in equal measure quite as effectively.
However just recently I've been more frustrated than affectionate towards infatuation as a concept, I shall tell you why. Basically I'm a bloke who enjoys the occaisional bit of philosophising (anyone close to me will tell you as much) and have long enjoyed the benefits of a bit o' meditation, generally open, on any subject, just pondering deeply for an answer to any one, if not all, of the questions that storm around my brain on a regular basis. Anyway recently I've found my mind cut off from "going deep" by a certain infatuation, y'all Marines probably already know what I'm talking about, and its getting a little annoying how I've let it get this way.
To elaborate, an Infatuation is like a drop of red dye in the glass of water that is your brain, even if left alone, eventually it will swell and cloud out till its permiated every facet of your mind, conscious AND sub-conscious. Its not that you can't think about anything else, you can, quite succesfully, but you tend to make irrational links to the infatuation, and when you get to a place where you want to think deep on something, the infatuation dominates. Clearly, your mind wants the issue sorted, be it through full and proper exploration or be it through burning the issue away slowly, through simply ignoring it and telling yourself to move on. Either way you can't be the same afterwards, infatuation can be removed but not attraction, attraction is innate, it can't be helped, so you'll always be left with at least that. On the other side of things, if the infatuation is allowed to run its course, you may end up with a relationship, or perhaps the knowledge that you don't want a relationship becuase the person is wrong for you.
DAMMIT this sux, I try to explore an issue but its like wrapping your hands around a theorectical invisible ball, you never know if you are holding it, or if it was even there in the first place, this is why I need to meditate, but I bloody can't because I get distracted, then the distraction becomes the subject matter, when all you want to know is how to remove the distraction, but you can't till the distraction has been fully explored which is something you can't do, at least not yet.

all in all I can elloquently sum up this passage with...........Bollox

Current Mood: blocked
Current Music: KT Tunstall - other side of the world

through the looking glass
Right my precious Marines, its time for "DP Life Theory" exploration. I'm fully aware that there are people out there that don't like my life theory bundles and disagree with them vehemently, to them I simply say; stop reading now, you won't like this one bit. To the other group, the one's that humour me, bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this, and to the final group that partly subscribe to my life theories, thinking them just as valid as anyone else's, strap yourselves in, I'm about blow your mind baybay.
OK, quickly in brief, here is the theory as it exists, and I express clearly now, that I don't expect anyone else to go by this at all, its just my personal take on how things COULD (and I stress that word in particular) be. Basically God exists, and though he does not directly influence our lives in any physical way, he does keep a constant vigil over us and uses quite subtle "signs" to lead us in the right direction, now all one need do is first accept the signs, and then follow them when the feeling is right.
For example, take today, on my way to the library I was thinking of places I needed to visit when I went home, for some reason I was coming up a blank, I had all the usual places (Harrow, The Lane etc) but other than that I was blank, but I knew there were more places I'd want to see, just as I was struggling with this I walked past a man and a woman, the only two words I caught from their conversation were "Hyde Park" they didn't say anything else, it just so happened, that when I was thinking of places I wanted to visit when I went home, I walked past a girl who said "Hyde Park" and only "Hyde Park" coinkidink? Perhaps, but thats not how I see things, I tend to look for intent in everything that seems to have it, there are coincidences, sure, but sometimes I think it takes a greater leap of faith to assume something is a coincidence than assume it was intended, in these situations, I'd sooner assume there was intention at play.
Anyway, to get to the crux, I'm also a person who suffers from a well documented "sod's law" affliction, now I thought this was just an unrelated personality trait, until another event today got me considering another alternative. To the event in question, as I was walking toward the library, I saw in the sky a cloud formation, that was undeniably, a bunny's head, somethings in clouds take a heavy dose of artistic interpretation to see, but this was simply, the silouette of a bunny's head, thats what it was, and it was all I could see, in the gap of sky between the 'Faraway' building and the Taliesan building, it was right in front of me. Now, my plan for going on campus was to go to the library, then, when I had finished I was going to check my bank bank balance in the vain hope that my loan situation had changed since yesterday. Now when I saw the bunny head in the sky, I instantly knew something was going down, I felt that feeling in my gut that I was looking at a "sign". Another well documented fact about me, is that I like bunnies, the reason for which is that I think bunnies are lucky, some think a Rabbits foot brings good fortune, I figure that if their foot is good, surely four feet on a whole bunny is even more lucky, and they have proved to give me good fortune in the past. Anyway, for shits and giggles I thought, since I'd seen what seemed to me a blatant good fortune "sign" I'd go and check my balance now, while the bunny was still conviniently above the building I'd be checking my balance in, now, upon waiting for the cash machine to become available, I stepped up and checked my balance; my loan WAS in. Coinkidink? Perhaps.
This in turn got me thinking, now assuming the bunny was an indication that my loan was in, would it have still been in if I had checked my balance AFTER going to the library when the cloud bunny would have no doubt dissipated? Now its easy to say it would have been because we have the luxury of being able to say that without ever having to actually prove it, cutting to the chase; the "DP theoretical" knock on of this suggestion is that perhaps my affliction with sod's law is simply direct correlation with times when I have missed or misinterpreted "signs" i.e. when I have made a decision that seems to have altered the possible outcome of a given event, it could be that the future HAS been altered by the waxing or waning of a given "sign".
Right, that said, you're up to speed, hope its not as taxing to read as it was to write! If you feel anything about this, let me know, hold on, if you think its all bullshit, don't let me know, I'll assume thats the given reaction, let me know if your reaction is to the contrary !

Current Mood: brain achey

can anyone else taste rust? I can taste rust
Movin' Movin' Movin' Movin' Groovin' Groovin' Groovin' Groovin'

Nuff said, gimme red. Wassup folks? I've had an interesting past few days, mainly spent crashing at Lindz and Rich's place, which is cool as I get a double bed and its nice to get a kinda family atmosphere; waking up to hear the voices of people I care about downstairs, something I haven't done in a long time. Had a nice heart to heart with Rich the other night aswell, which was cool, he was drunk, having duly celebrated his blinder of a performance at his gig. We chatted for ages discussing life, love, deceit and truth, all in all, it was enlightening and long overdue experience. I also visited home last week which was a mixed experience, I was snubbed by both my Sister and my Mum so that they could spend more times with their boyfriends, both of them knew I was coming and apparently made better plans, my Dad on the other hand who had no idea I was showing up; welcomed me with open arms, and even took a day off work to spend more time with me, needless to say it was appreciated, but I expected no less from Dad as he is able to distinguish between the significance of family and the person you're fucking.
I also got to see another member of my family who was happy to see me; B-dub, the little dude was very impressed by my arrival and I got to spend some time chilling with him, which is important as I miss him alot and the feeling seems to be mutual, bless his little heart.
Going home also allowed me to snag some Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, HOOYAH ! They absolutely rock, I bagged a dozen and introduced some of the Swansea crew to them, they all approved, rightly so, those doughnuts are outstanding.
Thats all I can think of for now, to be honest thats pretty much everything thats happened recently, sorry its not particularly interesting, but have you been reading this thing regularly? One big sleeping pill if you ask me. You're better off out of it.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Whitney Houston - I will always love you

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